September 15, 2018 – by Johannes Bugenhagen

Hundreds were hospitalized and scores more traumatized for life in the wake of a disastrous hymn roll-out this past Sunday.

Recklessly acting in a way contrary to all Lutheran sensibilities, Pastor Norman Schroeder inserted a previously unsung hymn, “Through Jesus’ Blood and Merit,” into the church service.

“I remember paging to hymn 372 and thinking that it looked unfamiliar,” said helpless victim Delores Hamilton from her hospital bed. “My heart started pounding in my chest! My vision narrowed! As we started singing my hands trembled uncontrollably. I felt lightheaded! I don’t even think I made it through the first stanza before I passed out.”

First responders were overwhelmed by the chaotic scene. Ambulances struggled to make their way through the terrified mob streaming through the church parking lot. Inside the sanctuary, hundreds were incapacitated, many still frozen with their hands clutched over their ears in a vain attempt to shut out the unfamiliar tune. The few conscious congregants were in such a weakened state they were unable to assist their more gravely injured Lutherans.

“We haven’t seen such a tragedy since the Reformed Church tried to introduce a contemporary version of the Song of Simeon,” lamented local Police Chief Richard Johnson. “Thank goodness there was no loss of life. If we hadn’t tasered the organist, the death toll would have been truly catastrophic.”

The investigation is only beginning, but already red warning lights are flashing in the eyes of any common sense Lutheran. Why didn’t Pastor Schroeder run his plans through the worship committee? Why wasn’t the hymn tune introduced as postlude, prelude, and offertory? Why weren’t congregants warned the standard three months in advance that a new hymn was being introduced?

Only a fair, impartial investigation and the immediate excommunication of Pastor Schroeder can ensure such a tragedy never occurs again.